Reflections on a Life

As I stated previously, my mom passed away on Monday and I’m currently here in Florida with the rest of the family in the aftermath of the ‘memorial’ service. My mom had already prepaid for the arrangements – which is a great idea and something I need to look into doing since I’m unmarried without children and, sadly, unlikely to have either – and she intentionally did not want a big ‘dog and pony show’ for a funeral – which is, again, something that we share; when I’m dead, I don’t give a crap what happens to my body since, you know, I’m dead and all. So we’re at Florida sister’s house with her, her husband, her three daughters, the other sister, her husband and their daughter, my mom’s two sisters, and the husband of of those two … and my mom’s boyfriend. Which made me realize that my mother had more game in the dating area than I do … which isn’t depressing at all.

Regardless, everyone is sitting around, chatting and eating and generally seeming to enjoy themselves … and I’m bored senseless. I’m ready for this to all be done so I can go home and get on with my life (such that it is.) I have so very little in common with everyone that, to me at least, it’s noticeable how disparate our interests and hobbies are. It doesn’t help that, IMO, Florida Sister & her husband are functional alcoholics and I’m pretty damned closed to being a teetotaler, or that most of the people present are what you could kindly call ‘of a redneck persuasion’, but that’s not the point. The fact that I’m just ready to move on … it once again makes me wonder if my emotional wires are just screwed up. I was sad that my mom had passed and, at the viewing, I teared up a little bit, but beyond that … there’s a big spot of nothing.

No, I’m certainly not entirely immune to emotion. Right now, I’m very much aware of the fact that it’ll probably be another thirty minutes before anyone really notices that I walked away … unless they come into the house where I went to break out the laptop her, or how hollow everything seems to be because I’m once again having to face the fact that I’m alone and adrift … and I have no idea how to actually make the change that is required. Nobody really wants to die alone, but … well, I guess some of us are going to anyway.

And now I’m more depressed than I expected I would be. Fuck, I want this over so I can go home. Friday can’t get here soon enough…